Special

Felt special cracking JEE but never felt that its something one should take credit for. Cracking IIT felt good because I never thought about it how easy was it compared to thousands of students who tried probably harder than me. Now after failing consistently in many other things I know it was a gift and a blessing. Came easier to me than many other around. A fact that I can be proud of but am not so proud of, anyway. Hasn't taken me anywhere apart from the feeling of being respected and liked for it. The achievement resulted in getting an access to an institution which is supposed to impart quality education. Technology was not my type but to be fair had no idea about earlier. In effect the whole thing was nothing more than a waste of my time as well as the resources that were spent on me. Feels so guilty about using them now. I'm not alone. My guilt is reduced by the fact the systemic processes at IIT are nowhere near what they are supposed to be. IITians reading this would be saying this is going too far and thinking too much about not so important issue. Non-IITians would react probably in a different way and think how stupid and how ridiculously undeserving. Both are right and wrong. To give an access to "special" people in so called quality institutions when their motivation is confused and questionable is like building a team with players who are talented but are never part of the force that a team is build up with (Symonds comes to my mind). Society like "special" talents but there's something else that is required to make it happen. To get the output as big there's a lot of hardwork and other inputs that need to be fed in. And so it doesn't feel special about the product I am, this day. God wired me in a certain way and fortunately or unfortunately that helped me crack a very tough exam. Yes, coaching and hardwork were also a part of it but there was something inside that made it easy and has left me as a achiever and non-achiever at the same time. Its being special for something without feeling special. Its a problem of what you are blessed with and what you want to do with life. Have no qualms in admitting that some things that come naturally to me puts me off and somethings that excites me I keep failing in them. Such a shame and a confusing problem. A dilemma: To use what you have or to pursue what you want to have but will take something special. And this special is not gifted. It has to be earned. So you see that is what takes IITians to a different arena and to pursue different challenges. Its about the gift that probably they actually want from life. IIT life is about these paradoxes which is so difficult to understand and not so beautiful to live with. And trust me every person irrespective of his degree has to comprehend this story of his life to make it big. What is "special" for the world is not special for you and what's special for you is the ultimate thing that will take something special out of you anyway. The conclusion is IIT life on its own is not desirably special but its very much same as any other life in its journey towards a special one.