Well I write this blog entry, for myself and everybody interested. I write for myself as attaining AIR-177 has been one of the finest infact the greatest achievement of life. On paper there's nothing that separates me from the rest apart from it. I keep going back and think: What got me there? How did I do it? Life's changed since then and what changes are making me a failure now? What is the next best thing?
Let me ponder over how I was.
The results the X boards got me pumping. My mind was sharp and my mathematical skills superior to my peers. I was an introvert. The X boards under performance hurt me. I remember saying to myself "it won't matter if you prove urself in JEE". So I was all geared up for it. Initially I went to a renowned coaching sir who was famous for getting few from my city to IITs. I was there for 2 months or so but was unable to pick up. He was too fast for me. That raised a few doubts in my mind whether I was really good or had I rated myself too much. Then a change of coaching to FIITJEE which I joined as I got 65% scholarship in the qualifying test thanks to my luck(Gave the 2nd test conducted by them;if had given the first I would have never got the scholarship as all the relatively good people gave it). One of the very few times luck has favoured me. It was FIITJEE then. The material was good, the classrooms were far better and the faculties went slow with their subjects. Things looked in better shape. The organized approach suited me and I was getting the confidence. Maths was fantastic and Physics good. Chemistry posed a few problems but it was always the least important. After a few months the concepts of Physics weren't developing so well so joined a renowned tutor for that subject. Now it looked even better. The performance was coming. The hardwork I was putting in was increasing day by day. Although I was 3-4 days a week kind of student but still I was putting effort I had never put in all my life. IIT looked such a big thing that slowly I felt I would be nobody if I wasn't in it. The environment was conducive. Everybody seemed to have the same goal. It was coveted as if it was the only big thing. So the motivation was always there and even though there were a few setbacks in a few tests never really I thought I didn't have in me to crack the exam.
The whole of 11th I was never performing so well in schools as I would have liked. I wasn't too vocal or outgoing either. The only thing I saw was IIT. When one year passed, I was one of the better performers in the batch and IIT looked a certainty. But the aims and aspirations got bigger too. Now the aim was to get under 500 which looked likely if I put in my best and have a good day on the JEE day. That was to happen but I never knew it before. I was nothing. I was just another unimportant guy until I got there. I was never charming, never was I popular and never with too many friends. Not that I wanted these things but that's how I was. I will keep my dreams to myself. I also accept I was quite self-centred during my school times. But with this confession, I also would like to say even though I was I don't regret it because I was so kiddish, so unaware and I always improved when others didn't. Eventhough people may have thought or it may seem to them I was never the one who thought too high of himself. My whole logic was I am good, I don't know if I am better or worse than anybody but it only matters to me that I give my best and the rest of the competition would take care of itself. I think this attitude has been maintained over the years and I really like this attitude of mine. I am constantly trying to step up not because I want to get ahead of somebody else but only my aim is to beat to my past and improve each day. I think that was one of the secrets of my JEE achievement.
I don't know why but there was constant motivations from my faculties which seemed to propel me even more. I had never seen people giving me personalized attention. I never appreciated personalized attention of teachers towards students but I do agree it plays a great role in motivation and I could see the difference. I felt somebody cared for my results and even though its my dream it affects people. That motivated me to strive harder. It was coming straight from the heart. All the hardwork. The nights were long the curriculum endless but all I had to beat them was the desire to get there. It was a journey in which school, coaching or home my mind was obsessed by only IIT. I don't know whether I had to get in was the reason that all this happened. But I don't remember anything else swaying my mind except IIT. Probably that is what you call chasing dreams. Was I positive during the period? Yes I was. Was I an optimist during those years? Maybe not. I have always been kind of neutral towards optimism and pessimism.
Did I really know what IIT was like? No not at all. Only thing I knew was I wanted to get there. Did I know how anybody got there. Again No. Why was I doing IIT? Again don't know was the answer. So basically it was an obsession. Probably the whole hype created that obsession and that's what got me there. It seemed too important, too coveted and too admiring and you didn't need a reason to be doing IIT. Maybe that's some of it. I think I may a lot more to share but that's kind of a brief journey towards JEE. In a different entry I'll compare how things and I have changed and how the resuts have changed after IIT.