Saturday, March 14, 2009

Living with tag IIT

An IITian for life. People look up to you with respect, expect more, assume more and leave you to ponder on it. If you hit the target: IIT trained you well; If you don't it's a shame. Whether I am comfortable with this tag: I don't know? Or perhaps I know I'm not. I was always ordinary, hiding behind somebody and hoping to avoid those questions those expectations. I was always happy to be Mr. Nobody; applauding, criticizing and in general being part of talks on anything but me. I was never the topic of discussion and never hogged the limelight. But this tag IITian wants this to change. It takes credit for all my things. Problem solving, sharpness and efficiency have a tag IITian labelled on them. The child inside me dosen't seem to like it. It wants appreciation for itself. Why does the IITian take it from me each time I do something well. And that's not all, each time I fail I am reminded that you just can't and why because you are an IITian and its just not acceptable not to perform. Man!!! I needed things to be simple in my life. I wouldn't have cracked JEE if was an IITian prior to that. I could not be an IITian then to be an IITian today. It's like because I did certain things well I have to do certain things well. Not sure I am ready to do everything all over again. The state of mind has changed. It's not what I felt before. There's something different going in my mind now. I have to unlearn to perform again. Not sure that's possible. The enthusiasm the inspiration the feeling is just not there. First I just want to feel myself within me and not an IITian while I approach something. Failure was in my life before IIT also but after IIT it seems to have a lasting impact on me everytime it happens like it has assumed more importance more meaning now. Every failure seems to pinch me more; every success is less celebrated. Impatientience and restlessness just mount with each failure. Not sure I have a solution. The tag, the learning, the experience, the time have to be erased from my memory somehow for me to get on with it; I feel constrained, bounded and restricted. Somehow have to break these shackles, breathe fresh air and run as fast as I can again with my renewed energy.. passion.. sincerity to relaunch and don a new hat to change the perspective... to change the approach... to perform again...